Monday, December 22, 2014

If you think your wife wants any of those gifts those other articles are telling you she does, you are so wrong.

(This post is brought to you by a wife with zero kids and a wife with 4 kids who are both irritated at all of the stupid articles filled with Christmas gift ideas that are great if you have two year old, but are pretty terrible for the bazillion wives out there who don't.)

This is a list of all the superficial things your wife may not say she wants, but really does, but doesn't want judgey eyes telling her she's shallow. She's not shallow by the way. She's a chick. A smoking hot chick that you get to crawl in bed with every night. So first say thank you then buy her something from this list.

-A Coach purse
-A Michael Kors purse
-A Kate Spade purse

I'm a wife, but I don't have kids. So no, I do not want an uninterrupted hot bath for Christmas. I can have that every night. But let's be honest, I don't really have time for that anyway. (Because as hard as it is to believe, yeah, people without kids are busy people, too.) If Brett said "Here sweetie, have an uninterrupted hot bath. MERRY CHRISTMAS," I would take the credit card out of his wallet, shoot him a look of death, and then go to the mall.

But anyway, back to the list:

-Shoes. Like, expensive ones. Not the knock off Keds from Target.

-A ridiculously big and sparkly piece of jewelry that is not from a diamond outlet.

-Multiple bottles of wine

-A shopping spree. (cash is a totally acceptable gift.)

While romantic gestures and compliments are really nice, don't wrap them up for Christmas. Dole them out all the time. If I don't get a compliment, or a sweet note, or some kind of something that resembles a romantic gesture ALL YEAR and then for Christmas I get a "hey you look hot, here's your favorite candy bar!" chances are I am not going to receive that well. And I'll probably throw some cuss words at you. 

I'm a wife who has 4 kids. 2 are adults, 1 teenager and 1 tween (going on 20). I also have a full time biz gig and am a full time student. Like Rachel, I don't have time for a long, uninterrupted bath and if I did, I would just take it. But then I would probably fall asleep and drown because I'm exhausted. The point is, a bath is not a gift for Christmas. Come on guys, you can do better. We believe in you!!!

Back to the list...

-Anything or everything on Rachel's list. 

- A long weekend at the beach. Don't ask me "what about the kids?" Take care of that. Take care of all of it-hotel, airfare, etc. And plan it for the week after finals.  

- Christian Louboutin heels. Black. 

- a bigger diamond. Either the wedding ring or earrings...or both. 

These are Christmas gifts. Sex is not a Christmas gift to your wife. It is a gift you give each other throughout the year. If that's presented as a Christmas gift, like Rachel, I'm gonna remind him that he's the lucky one, throw some cuss words his way and go purchase my own gift. 

Also, can we address this stereotype that men don't take care of their kids after work? Helping with the kids is not a gift to your wife and I don't know many men who think it is. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. These things are not gifts. These are responsibilities you agreed to do together. As a couple. Don't offer them as a Christmas gift. You will deserve a punch in the junk

Here's the deal, a Christmas gift is something your wife probably won't buy for herself. It should be really nice and should probably be expensive. Unapologetically expensive.
It should not be practical nor should it be something you better be giving her regularly. Like compliments and date nights and telling her how hot and awesome she is and how proud you are of her for being so awesome.

Look, we aren't total bitches. We both love the mess out of our husbands. We both are very appreciative of our lives and what we do and where we are. and while this may seem like a totally superficial article...well, it kind of is. But the point is to correct all the bull crap articles out there telling you that all your wife wants for Christmas is a hot bath and a compliment. Now go grab that Tiffany-blue box and be prepared for an extremely sexy thank-you from your very appreciative and super hot wife

You're welcome.

Laretha + Rachel


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